Hi, I’m Shannon and I’m a reformed people pleaser.
I used to think kindness was my superpower… If I could just be good enough, agreeable enough, accommodating enough, I’d earn my place in the hearts of others. I subconsciously believed that giving more of myself meant I’d receive more kindness (and avoid pain) in return. I consciously thought I was offering the world what it was starving for: kindness.
But here’s the unvarnished truth: That kind of “kindness” almost destroyed me.
It wasn’t kindness at all. It was self-abandonment dressed up as virtue. It was the exhausting art of bending, folding, and compressing myself into the smallest, least offensive version of me, just to be liked… or at least, not to be rejected.
And it worked. Sort of.
I got the smiles. I got the “you’re so lovely” comments. I got the invitations.
But I also got resentment—both theirs and mine. I got overlooked. I got taken for granted. I got the slow, soul-level erosion of my own worth.
Here’s what I didn’t know back then:
The more you try to protect yourself from pain by avoiding conflict, the more pain you invite in. Not all at once—that would be obvious—but slowly, drip-by-drip, until your spirit is waterlogged and heavy.
I subconsciously believed saying “yes” would help me avoid pain and hurt. I thought keeping quiet when something hurt would keep the peace. I thought being endlessly forgiving would make me safe.
But love without boundaries isn’t love. It’s control. Peace without truth isn’t peace. It’s suppression. And forgiveness without self-respect isn’t noble. It’s erasure.
I had to learn the hardest way: real kindness is fierce.
It’s the kind that says:
- “I love you, but I won’t betray myself to keep you comfortable.”
- “I care about your feelings, but not at the cost of my own.”
- “I want peace, but only if it’s real peace, not the fake kind we make by pretending we’re fine.”
Boundaries are not walls that keep people out. They’re doors that only open for the right kind of love.
And when I finally locked the door on my old ways, I discovered something I never expected: The people who truly cared about me didn’t leave when I started saying “no”. The people who were only here for what I could give them? They left on their own.
I won’t lie, there’s grief in this process. You’ll lose things you thought you couldn’t live without. But what you gain is worth it: Self-respect. Restored energy. Relationships that feel mutual instead of one-sided. And the deep, grounding joy of knowing you are safe with yourself.
If you’ve been taught that kindness means self-sacrifice, I want you to know this:
You’re allowed to love people without being their cushion, their constant “yes,” or their emotional clean-up crew. You’re allowed to walk away from anyone who asks you to shrink to fit their comfort zone. You’re allowed to protect your own heart first.
Because kindness without boundaries isn’t kindness. It’s slow self-destruction.
And the bravest, kindest thing you can do for the world is to stop abandoning yourself.
💌 If this landed for you, send it to someone you love.
It might just be the thing that saves them from drowning in “niceness.”
Read more at www.shannondunn.com
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